The Dawning

Sometimes, you're a mess.
The next thing that you'd realise, you're a beautiful mess.
Yet, still a mess.

Being the only child in the family is not really that easy.
In fact, being alone...is not okay at all.
We need family, friends, support...love.
It's never easy to fight battles on your own.

Being the only person in work who is responsible for a couple of engagements is not easy.
Dealing with bosses requires great effort to convince them.
It requires confidence to tell them that you know what you're doing.

Sleeping in office and more sleepless nights.
Mamak and 24-hour McDonald's...because that's the only food available during midnights.


After months of experience and painful learning, I've finally got a break, which I was sick during half of the trip. Most probably due to inability to adapt to the sudden long rest I'm getting.

What I've Lost

Hey, sup.

There are good time and there's ... bad times.
Sometimes, you have no idea how on earth did you get into this sh!thole.

No matter how hard you fought. No matter how strong you are. No matter how much you endure and persevere. It doesn't matter anyway.

When you're surrounded in darkness and there's no way out. No light to guide your way. It's just you and your instinct. fighting against shadows, fears, nothingness, and your imaginations. Painfully, you fight alone. Then, it struck you that what what you is not enough to continue fighting. Then (again), you realised that how much you've lost.

I was in love with a fantasy.
I don't have a proper academic qualification.
I am in a difficult position in my workplace.
I am emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausted.
I do not have any other skills.

Last few months was hell. Working till late nights with no back-up from colleagues. Driving in midnights that you almost fell asleep. Waking up rolling down the wrong side of the bed. Waking up into nightmares. Trying to achieve unrealistic deadlines, which could really get you killed. Dealing with so many things at once that you've no idea how to proceed.

It's just painful to see that all the efforts you've made didn't actually get you anywhere. In fact, it's used against you. And, that's just unfair. Hey, but that's life, right?

Everything just seemed so ... bleak and empty.

In the end, everything else doesn't even matter.
What that really matters is what that makes you happy.

And..that, is the hardest question.

In the midst of darkness... there'll be light of hope

At times, in our life, we will face challenges and these challenges will tend to sway us from our main objective and may discourage us from proceeding further.

At time when this happens, we will fall into despair and give up. We will see it as our failure and ingrain it in our memory. And we will keep on brooding about it.

But even in our darkest times, we mustn't forget to smile.

Who knows, in the far future, we may look back and laugh at our foolishness for being sad at things like these, but that's what makes us humans.

So, no matter how hard the situation is, we mustn't forget to smile. It's what gives us strength to fight on. 

Little things in life #1

Kind words do matter

*Dreaming mode on: One year vacation...."

Have you ever dreamt of going on a one year vacation? Like travelling around the world and see new things? It just gives you the adrenaline rush, doesn't it? Well, it's not happening.. We are just a humbly poor people.

But if you are given a chance to do it... 

I would go actually. But preferably not alone. I'm a fan of Role-Playing Games (RPG), especially Final Fantasy series and the games focuses on travelling the world to defeat evil. Yup, that's about it. Sometimes, these games gives inspirations.

Maybe we can just go on an adventure around the world and helping people with their problems. That will sound exactly like a game with good morality, won't it? Then, we get to see new people, experience different culture, see new places etc. That would be awesome!!!

If only we get to go on an adventure...

Get to see aurora.

Visit Italy houses.

Riding a boat around Venice.

And the list goes on and on... I know the fares are expensive, but we can find odd jobs for survival and the trip won't be just a few days trip (definitely not), it'll be more of a few years trip. How cool will that be??? 

Ah... The bliss of visiting places and unknown area. Oh well... Time to get back to work... 

Perks of being an auditor

To stay alert all times, like a tiger

Including nights (as in sleepless nights) 

People may be limitless, but your device needs a rest xD

Slow as a snail and rantings

Sometimes, it is very pissing off that how your seniors at work have been scolding you that you are not competent and working very slow.

Ok. First things first, when I've a to-do list for the day and plan to have the work done, out of sudden, they will pass me some unnecessary stuff, like photocopying, do some "taking the dog for a walk" kind of job, then how do you expect me to finish the cases you want me to do? Then my to-do list is also ruined because of them.

Next, when I said I've been chasing the auditors for their draft report and stuff, I did my part. How's scolding me going to make it work? Fine, the cases I've been doing are mostly dormant, but I can't help it when the auditors kept saying that the draft report is not ready. I don't have magic to make it happen.

Then you have seniors scolding you that you're working slow and all cases are dormant. Excuse me! I do have cases which are active. It really hurts when they throw this kind of insult at you.

This reminds me, when I had my appraisals done by seniors, they list out my "bad" side, then I said, then what about the "good" part, one of them said that what good listening the "good" side. Well, for starters, it gives you encouragement. Like come on! I'm still human, not robot for you to order around. Ok then, the other senior did mention my good side, which is to follow up on cases, then the senior that said about "discouraging" to good side, asked me that will I "overdo" the follow up part. Like when the client says will revert to me by one week and I'll call client to make sure he will revert. Of course I'll do it! Everything is urgent right? But I know she doesn't want to lose in arguments. I just let her be because the more I fight back, the more crappy things she will say.

Done with that part of ranting, but I have to admit, what she says about we have to listen to the bad side because that's how we improve, but we need to hear what we are good at so we can maintain it that way, and not knowing what we're good at may deteriorate if we have no idea what we are doing is good.

Well, let's just hope for the best and just fight on.


Love
AceCrusaider